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Giving and Receiving Feedback As An Autistic Love Language

Time for a neuroqueer update to the 5 love languages

Jae L
7 min readJan 22, 2023
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

The idea that there are 5 love languages comes from the book of the same name by Dr Robert Chapman. It’s a way of describing the common ways in which people give and receive love.

The five love languages are Words of affirmation; Acts of Service, Giving /receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.

It’s been immensely influential in the way people think and talk about their relationships whether with romantic partners, family, friendships or colleagues.

The 5 love languages provide a neat framework for explaining why people have different needs in a relationship and the misunderstanding and conflict that can arise when there’s a mismatch in expectations.

Let’s say one person’s love language is Acts of Service and their partner’s is Quality Time. While the first person thinks they’re demonstrating their love by spending Saturday afternoon cleaning out the spare room, their partner feels deprived of sharing that time with them.

How the expression of someone’s love language is interpreted is influenced by the other person’s previous experiences. If you’ve come from a relationship with an avoidant partner who had a tendency to…

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Jae L
Jae L

Written by Jae L

Queer, neurodivergent and in the business of asking questions and stirring things up. Conspire with me. diverge999@gmail.com; https://justinefield.substack.com

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