When Autistic Masking Runs Out
I no longer have the energy nor inclination to pretend to be someone else
Recently it hit me that I rarely feel as though I’m masking anymore. It’s not that I’m consciously choosing not to, but that I’m finding myself in less situations where I’m forced to make such a choice.
It’s taken a long time to get here. Discovering that I was autistic four years ago blew open the lid on my beliefs about who I was and the self I presented to the world.
Turns out my identity was formed from layers of camouflaging, mimicking, performing and sometimes just surviving; all of it congealed with the pain of awkwardness, shame and rejection.
Of course I didn’t know I was doing any of this. I was putting forward the best version of myself in response to the expectations beaming down on me at any given time.
It was unrelentingly hard. Exhausting. But it was my normal. It was just life. I was a bit crap at it compared to most others, so I just tried harder to keep up.
Until I couldn’t any longer.
Breaking the spell of masking
Once you learn that there’s name for this pervasive process of self-erasure, the game is up. It doesn’t mean you instantly stop doing it, but it is the beginning of…
