Member-only story
When Your Unmasked Self Isn’t Obviously Autistic
Because you don’t automatically fit people’s idea of what autism looks like
Since being diagnosed autistic three years ago, I’ve been on a journey to reclaim my authentic self from decades of masking.
The reality is that it’s not as easy as simply uncovering something that has been there all along. You have to build your identity by deep-diving into the core of your being. And presenting that identity to the world is a hugely complex challenge.
I will never entirely disentangle my ‘true’ self from the parts of me that are a product of masking. Masking has given rise to a particular sequence of events and shaped experiences that have combined to make me the person I am today. It has been a survival mechanism and being able to ‘pass’ as neurotypical has given me access to opportunities and privilege. It is impossible to completely eliminate masking as long as I want to function in the world.
Through my life, masking has looked like trying to keep up with everyone else; maintaining an outward impression that I’m coping when I’m crumbling on the inside. It’s meant ignoring my own needs and invalidating my experience. I didn’t think I had a choice because there was only one version of normal and my job was to get as close to it as possible.
